Lard the Tortoise

A nearly 100-pound tortoise named Lard walked out of his fenced yard in Colorado with, said the sheriff's office, "absolutely no sense of urgency." Negotiations failed. He kept eating. It took two people to carry him home. Make it take more.

Littleton, Colorado · 1 cul-de-sac · 1 tortoise

Home is that way. You prefer the other.

Tap a lawn to plod there. Lard eats whatever he stands on and gets heavier. People keep arriving to carry you home. When enough are around you, they lift. Hide in your shell and they get bored and leave. Target: more than 2 people, the real number.

Tap to walk · shell button bottom right · 1 lb per bite is made up

Odd News Desk31 Aug · posted 25–28 Sep 2026

What actually happened

On 31 August, animal control in Jefferson County, Colorado, got a call about a tortoise loose in a Littleton neighbourhood.
He was Lard, a sulcata (African spurred) tortoise weighing "just under 100 pounds." He had got out of a fenced yard and was walking around a cul-de-sac with, the sheriff's office said, "absolutely no sense of urgency."
His owner was there trying to coax him home. "Efforts to negotiate a voluntary return were unsuccessful." The sheriff's office summed it up: "Home was in one direction. Lard preferred the other."
On the officer's bodycam: "What are you eating?" "Everything. He's been eating since we got here."
In the end the animal control officer and a bystander picked him up and carried him home, together. The sheriff's office posted the video in late September, called it the "world's slowest escape" and closed the case. Lard is home and fine.
Same week, different tortoise: police in Monroe Township, New Jersey, caught a loose one near Church Street. "After a brief foot pursuit (we won), the suspect was safely taken into custody."

What the game makes up

The lawns, the crowd that keeps growing, the shell trick that bores people away, and 1 lb per bite are ours (real sulcatas take decades to get this big). The idea that each person can carry 50 lb comes from the real rescue: about 100 lb, two people. Lard, his weight, the cul-de-sac, the failed negotiations, the eating and the two carriers are real. The "Hurry up" button does nothing, which is also true to life.

Sources

Denver7: Nearly 100-pound tortoise escapes JeffCo home with 'absolutely no sense of urgency' (28 Sep 2026) Denver Gazette: Jefferson County Sheriff's Office shares video of escaped tortoise KRDO: Tortoise rescued by Jefferson County Sheriff's Office (25 Sep 2026) UPI: Large tortoise escapes Colorado home with 'no sense of urgency' UPI: Large tortoise found wandering loose in New Jersey (29 Sep 2026)

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Lard the Tortoise

Home is that way. You prefer the other.

It took 2 people

Tear off today's page for a friend

My guesses

Wrong guesses

Unsolved

Not today

Tell the agent what happened today